“I’m sorry…I said I’m sorry…Listen, Didn’t you hear me? I said I am sorry. What more do you want?”
Saying “I’m sorry,” over and over for the same repeated `behavior fails to demonstrate repentance, branding your admissions worthless. The meaningless phrase is like throwing salt on a wound wrapped with insincerity.
An apology becomes necessary when someone is harmed either by our words or behavior.
The following five components work together to render an apology more palatable to the one offering remorse and acceptable to the recipient.
Maybe, this is you today. Wondering how you are going to get through an apology. Perhaps you are coaching your child on how to apologize to a neighbor. Both the young and old can learn from these points.
- State An Expression of Regret – Keep it Simple. A statement “I want to apologize for….” “I want to say how sorry I am….” “I am not perfect, and it was wrong for me to…”
- State What Went Wrong – How did the incident happen? Were there actions that led up to the conflict? State what you were feeling before and after the episode?
- Admit Responsibly – Be specific, my actions or words caused the accident or made you feel. Acknowledging the other person’s emotions and loss is more important than saying “I’m sorry.”
- “Running through the house was wrong because I wasn’t paying attention. You asked us not to run through the house. We were having so much fun that we forgot. I didn’t understand the consequences of my actions. I know the broken vase broke your heart. I was ashamed when I saw you crying.”
- Offer to Repair or Amends – You can replace a broken plate. A broken promise requires integrity. State what you will do to prevent it from happening again.
- Request Forgiveness
- From God: Repenting your sin to God and asking for forgiveness is the best start and builds your confidence. We know God’s, love and forgiveness go hand in hand. A bonus, we can ask for His help in how to offer your remorse to the person who is upset.
- From the Person who was hurt: Keep it simple. Just ask, “Will you forgive me?” Feel how powerful these words are when delivered with genuine humility and remorse.
- Forgive yourself. God forgave you when you repented. It is essential that you do not carry the burden of any longer. Replace the guilt culpability with confirmation that you have done everything within your power at this point. Acknowledge that it may take some time for the person to digest everything and forgive you and you may never know.
Expect to feel emotionally drained when you complete this challenge. You may not experience it immediately, but one day you will discover strength by enduring the test.
Standing in front of my friend, unable to make eye contact, filled with regret, and shame, was punishment enough. This was not easy. And it shouldn’t be.
“I made a poor choice resulting in you feeling rejected, and betrayed. I was afraid that if I canceled our outing one more time, you wouldn’t understand. I didn’t want to disappoint you. My new job has occupied my time. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I lied and got caught. I know you felt betrayed and angry beyond angry. Seeing you hurting was worse than I imaged. I miss you, our friendship. I will think twice before telling even a little white lie. I know you feel you have lost a part of yourself and I feel that way too. I know our friendship may not survive. I hope you will forgive me.”
The next time you are tempted to say, “I’m sorry,” pause to consider an apology instead. Ask yourself, “Did my words or action cause another pain, harm or loss?”
Yes requires an apology.
Sin requires an apology.
An accident requires “I’m sorry,” “Excuse me,” or “Pardon me, I didn’t mean to.”
An apology requires time to reflect, the willingness to admit you are wrong, taking ownership of your actions, empathy for the other person and a humble heart.
An apology has the power to defuse an argument, restore a relationship, or start a conversation between generations. Don’t be afraid to use it.
