A bountiful Christmas morning waited for the Livingston household. Excitement and anticipation filled the air as everyone gathered in the living room around the tree. Santa Claus was good to us last night as the burden of wrapped packages had more than doubled. Throughout the morning secrets, and anticipation lighted faces, prompted hugs and became the catalysis of celebrating my loving family.
Someone noticed the time, breaking the spell, and the next round of activity began. I wished we could remain in the memorable family frame of mind for just
I took some extra time to spend with Flip and dress for the day before emerging from our room. Greeted with the sounds of the clan in preparation for our special meal. I did what I could to help then everyone dispersed to dress for the day themselves.
It wasn’t long until the aromas of roasting turkey and sweet potatoes, warm herbs and cranberries floated in the air like the trail
“I have to leave in thirty minutes,” I whispered to Flip. I felt a lump forming in my chest as my frustration was turning into suppressed anger.
I had to pick up my dad and meet my brother and sister-in-law at a movie so we could spend time together on Christmas Day.
My carefully laid plan so I could be two places at once was shattered. Tears started to dribble down my face – I didn’t want to go. As, I made my way through a throng gathering around the table, placing sidedishes as the turkey finally came out of the oven.
“Lyn, please stay long enough for our blessing.” The statement addressed the elephant in my heart and the question in my step son’s eyes.
Purse on my shoulder, I held hands with my husband and oldest grand-daughter. I attempted my best to swallow my emotions. “I love you Grandma Lyn,” was whispered in my ear as she gave my hand an extra squeeze.
As her dad said “Amen,” I squeezed her hand, gave Flip a peck on the cheek, bolted out the
I HATE THIS DAY!
I HATE FAMILY DRAMA!
I HATE HAVING TO MAKE A CHOICE BETWEEN THOSE I LOVE!
I HATE CHRISTMAS!
I wasn’t the loving daughter I wanted to be when I picked up my dad. Nor was I gracious to my brother and sister-in-law who also had to leave a family gathering. All I could think about was my
ruined Christmas.
The subject was not discussed until the next year as we were making plans for Christmas. The canyon between my dad and me had grown more extensive with the new fracture in our relationship.
The next year, Christmas plans were already being difficult when I made up an emergency at work three days before we were to leave. In the past, there were real emergencies at work that required my attention, not once but twice. I had stayed home and spent Christmas alone.
The stress of choices, disappointments, of not being able to be good enough so my dad would forget his grudge, of not being able to enjoy a Christmas without an elephant in my heart became a weight I didn’t want to bear. It was impossible to explain what I couldn’t understand myself.
Flip left, begging me to go, there was time to finish work the next week. He would help. I needed to get away; I need a break so I can work better when we came back. But I held firm believing that everyone would have a happier Christmas if I weren’t there.
It was the worse Christmas ever.
My work completed in one afternoon, the holiday lay before me empty and alone.
On Christmas Eve I drove around until I found a church close by and went in for services. Afterward, my heart reminded me Christmas was about Jesus not about dysfunctional family drama. I longed to be with my family in Albuquerque going to Christmas services.
Going did not replace the emptiness in my heart.
This occurred during a time in my life when I only attended church on Christmas Eve and Easter morning. Looking back, even though I didn’t feel it at the time God was with me that Christmas.
I had made the wrong choice. It was one thing to have an emergency but I told a lie, I sinned against my family trying to protect them from my drama. I hurt them by not being there at all. The same way my dad hurt me with his refusal to be part of my family. The family wasn’t broken, I was.
I tried to wipe Christmas off the calendar or skip it all together because I didn’t know how to handle Christmas drama. I didn’t know how to make it better. I remember praying that Christmas Eve, a rambling conversation about all the problems without answers. “If you still love me, God, will you help me?”
He did.
I saw “God Things” happen over and over again throughout the next year. At a business women’s retreat, a newer member shared that she also had Holiday family drama issues and I listened to the counsel given to her then let the elephant out and shared mine.
Here is what I learned:
- If you have issues with another person, then think of a time in the past before the problems and come up with a happy memory. You can use memory as a conversation starter. “Janet, do you remember the ummer we spent of Grandpa’s farm and found the watermelon patch in the cornfield?”
- The holiday or special event is not the place to solve difficult situations. Prepare yourself to be kind and thoughtful to everyone and don’t bring up the problems.
- Remember, you cannot change anyone but yourself.
- When the schedule has too many meal stops for one day, decided what you want to do and design the day so you can be present and enjoy your activities. Doesn’t it matter what day you celebrate, it matters you are in the moment with the people you are with, instead of worrying about how you are going to make the next stop fifty miles away?
- I did this with my Dad. I set boundaries when I could be with him. I reminded him that he had a choice and the Livingston family would love for him to join us for Christmas day dinner.
Hewould always decline which made me sad. I remembered it was his choice.Iexplained that I could not be two places at once and I could not enjoybeingwith him when I wanted to be at another family gathering with Flip.
- I got an event list from my daughter-in-law and asked the times it would be essential for Flip and me to be there were. We made time to spend with everyone each day.
- I put the birth of Jesus back in my heart. A simple thing to remember ~ the reason we have Christmas to celebrate is the birth of Jesus. It didn’t do anything for anyone else, but it changed me; allowing me to be grateful for the Holiday activities.
- Even when life got in the way of perfect plans, I chose to embrace the imperfection. I captured moments of wonder and grace allowing me to enjoy the holiday even more.
I am grateful for the friend who shared her grief over a ruined Christmas. I am thankful for the wise council friends gave both of us. I celebrated Christmas after that year with my family.
Today, I am grateful for strong memories to overshadow the sad memories ofChristmas’ past.
If you are having family drama issues this Christmas it’s not too late to use some of the points I learned and put them to use. I hope you can use them to prepare your heart for a Merry Christmas.
Q: What is one way you can prepare to be more flexible when scheduling traditions and events this Christmas?
Q: After reading Romans 12:18 how can you prepare to bring peace into Christmas this year.
