I have a good friend who refuses to forgive his x-wife for breaking up the marriage and family. I knew the pain was deep and even after several years of discussions and prayer he did not budge from his stand. “When she asks for forgiveness, I will forgive her.” At the time, I didn’t have a scripture or quote to change his mind.
Why is forgiveness so difficult?
Even when I work on forgiving, years later something happens to trigger the issue in my mind, and I am reminded I still have work to do. A spark of anger, a similar action, a betrayal of someone else brings back pain from another betrayal from long ago; that’s when I have to tell myself I still have work to do and need God’s help to forgive.
It isn’t necessary to keep track of how many times you forgive someone for the same transgression. You are not finished until your soul ceases to bring it forward in your thoughts. It may take you four hundred ninety times or forty times.
Many years ago, I had a major falling out with my step-mother and the anger, resentment, and rejection kept building in my heart. I would try to patch the relationship but the negative emotions always kept me from true forgiveness. For continuing education, I attended a workshop called Psychology for Today. The instructor shared how unforgiveness negatively affected our job performance and relationships. He instructed us to start saying “I forgive you, ______,” over and over again until we could distinguish a change in how we felt when we said those words.
I was unable to say the words in the group exercise.
I bought the cassettes and started working on my forgiveness. Over the next weekend, I was digging out grass from a large flower bed. I started repeating, “I forgive you, _____,” with every clump of roots I freed from the wet soil. At first, I stated, “I forgive you, _____,” through clenched teeth. I felt like a child being made to apologize for something I didn’t do. I resolved my felt aggression with every eliminated grass root. By mid-morning, of the next day, I noticed I was no longer saying the words through clenched teeth. I was experiencing a change in my soul. I kept the practice up for weeks. Repeating the same phrase, adding an offense by name until I felt the bitterness dissolve.
My heart changed. I stopped dwelling in the past and started looking for good things in the present. By the time my husband and I visited them at Christmas, I was surprised at how different encounter turned out. She even smiled when I complimented her homemade candy.
Through the months of working through anger and bitterness, saying words I didn’t mean through clenched teeth to saying words I did mean with repentance and gladness in my heart. My step-mother didn’t change. My heart changed—I changed.
A year and a half later, my father informed me my step-mother had early-on-set Alzheimer’s and she was diagnosed eight years earlier when they were wintering in Arizona. As I learned more about the disease, I discovered many of the issues were part of the changes caused by this debilitating disease. This new understanding softened my heart more. I was able to give my father the support he needed in her last year and help with her when I could.
I am grateful I learned the power of forgiveness. It didn’t change my step-mother but it transformed me from living in past hurts to living in today’s understanding. I don’t know how many times I said. “I forgive you,” during those months, more than four hundred ninety for sure. Perhaps forty-nine thousand times. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is I continued until my heart changed and let go of the past, the pain, and the heartache.
This experience resulted in a better me. I truly learned the power of forgiveness and letting go. I practice forgiveness until my heart is changed and my mind has let go. I remember God’s forgiveness of my sin is a gift—His mercy is extended and sin is forgotten.
For I will demonstrate my mercy to them and will forgive their evil deed, and never remember again their sins.
Hebrews 8:12 TPT
