We said “Good night” in Walton family style as we departed, I felt a little resentment in my heart towards one. We share life together. Friends joining together to support each other, discuss neighborhood events, politics, the weather, and anything else that pops up. Love is abundant, along with laughter, and sometimes a few tears. We take care of each other.
I paused for a moment, before brushing the feeling aside.
The next morning I opened my devotional and started reading when a pang of what I had been feeling touched my heart.
“When the Holy Spirit shows us areas where God wants us to work, it put us at a crossroad” Suzie Eller, Come With Me Devotional
I contemplated my feelings, read the page again and again.
As I examined my heart, I started forming a list of little annoyances. Regularly we would hear of her children’s and grandchildren’s success, or the car they drove, or where they lived. How she gave the drive-through clerk a tip and the next time she went inside he greeted her with a hearty welcome. I have seen the same old pictures of her family one too many times. Her late husband was the most respected.
I had wanted to share my complicated day. I had wanted to find support for my frazzled heart. She changed the conversation to voice that she knew something before the news released it as breaking news this morning. I was tired of her bragging and the passive way she put my friends down.
I realized I still had frustration and resentment in my heart. I could feel it bubble like a pot on low simmer. It wasn’t just last night it was months and months of shrugged shoulders, I don’t know, and a multitude of small instances.
My attitude caught me off guard. I was not like that.
Or was I?
A silent tear fell down my cheek. “Father, forgive me. Angry and resentful is not who I want to be. Heal my heart.” I prayed.
I sat, staring at the landscape on my laptop screen. I was ashamed of myself. I didn’t like this feeling in the corner of my heart where I shut the door on emotion I don’t want to understand and things too uncomfortable to remember.
“Where is your compassion?” the Holy Spirit spoke.
“Buried under resentment.” I thought.
For the next hour, I unpacked the small corner in my secret heart. My casual friend was lonely. She is always going to a meeting or luncheon. I wondered why. She wants fellowship. Why does she brag about the friendly goodwill she does for others? She needs acknowledgment. Her repetitive success stories and frequent old photos stem from she misses her family.
“If we desire to grow up in our faith, we take a different approach in that crossroad.” Suzie Eller, Come With Me Devotional
Although I knew the whys, apparently I chose to ignore them. Finding a way to be a better friend is now in my heart. Showing love in the tone of my voice, being mindful to include her in conversations and being attentive to her unspoken loneliness.
God is renewing my attitude and spirit as I continue to examine what is behind the door of my heart. I can feel it trickle into other relationships. I am a work in progress. I have been for a long time. Ever more grateful for the bond and rapport I have with my heavenly Father.